Something · Clever.

Where did I leave off?
Oh. I was over him. Or getting over him...
about that...
all right

so I was getting over him or whatever, moving on, 
realizing how absolutely ridiculous he was. (Dancer boy)

All of this was happening while I was till attempting to maintain or salvage 
something from our ever so awkward friendship.
So we were still talking and whatnot. Being "best friends"
 as he so bluntly proclaimed one day.
So yeah... you know some stuff happened. 
Nothing amazing. We hung out a few times and nothing sexual went down and 
I got to thinking maybe we could have a friendship.

So. More recent news. The reason I felt like I needed to write in a journal again.

He came over my house on Sunday and we watched dream girls. (Side note: Dream girls was really good!)
So he comes over, gets on the computer and we're just hanging out nice and casual. 
So we order pizza and start watching dream girls.
The pizza gets there and we take it up to my room and eat it on my bed, along with a bowl of grapes I grabbed from the fridge on my way back up to my room.

So we finished food and continued watching Jennifer Hudson tear that shit up.
Next thing I know, about a little more than halfway through the movie, we were like a foot closer to each other than before.

Then, we started play fighting....
I know.... really lame ass pathetic way to lead into a kiss but o well.
So yeah... he kissed me.
And despite all of my rage towards him and all of my fierce will power and determination I had built up, so that the next time this happened I would deny him, it didn't happened and I went right along with it.
Gaaah I’m so upset with myself.

There was grinding and touching and some clothes came off, but no sex thank god I’m not that stupid.

So we stopped and there was a pause in dream girls, and he was like
" yeah... that wasn't supposed to happen, I hate when horniness takes over."

Ugh whatever. Ok some back-story.

Remember how before we made out and put our hands in places on two separate occasions?
Well, about a month later, I told him I liked him, and we ended having this whole conversation via text message. 
Where he was like
" that me and you messing around thing was just horniness, I thought that was all it would be to you too."

Which is SUCH bullshit!! I told him a long time ago that I had a crush on him!! He must have known when he messed with me that something was there.
Anyway. So the only reason he said that stupid I hate when horniness takes over line after, was to attribute that make out/grinding/de-clothing session to horniness, and make sure that I didn't think it was anything more.

Fucking stupid. Me, not him.
I can't believe after all the times I've berated him for cheating with Ryan and everyone else he's cheated with...
I help him cheat.
I become a boy he cheats with.
What the hell is my problem?

And it's just not fair and wrong for so many reasons. I'll try and explain, Hope I get my point across. Although this might just sound like babble but o well.

I just....
I don't think I’m comfortable being his plaything.
And I know he has a boyfriend! Like I know! It's not even a question! So why am I letting this go on!?!?!
And like despite all the mental pep talks I give myself, there's still that part of me that's straight up physically attracted to this guy in every way.
And I know not to expect a relationship from him that would be stupid. But I don't know what I want from him.
It's just not fair that whenever his hormones get out of control I'm there to get him buy.
First of all, I’m more special than that, and I deserve a real relationship.
One of his defenses is that his boyfriend is long distance, so they can't have sex.
But whose fault is that? Did anyone force him into a long distance relationship?
And I’m trying not to be hung up on him anymore, which was working, but he just made it more difficult.
And now he's thinks he's got it like that because he knows anytime he bust up in here he can just mess around with me.
And I’m not ok with him thinking he just has me like that. But he kind of does. Like if he walked in right now and grabbed me I’m not sure if I’d stop him.
Soo I mean. I know there’s a lot more that would illustrate my strife more clearly but I hope you get my point.
He’s such a hard habit to break.

Current Location:	Room
Current Mood:	frustrated
Current Music:	need to go listen to something mellow

save it. duh.

So....
I just got an awkward lecture from one of my mothers
friends who I hardly even know... about the dangers of being a sexually active teen.
I guess this lecture would have some relevance, but it was just completely random and uncalled for, 
so it wasn't really effective at all.
i suppose he just decided he would try and jump in and be my father figure and give a lecture,
 which is odd because we've only talked like twice.

but this entry is supposed to be about harry potter obviously.
Personally, I never had faith in snape from the beginning of the series, so I'm not going to start now.
But i read this theory online that maybe Snape and Dumbledore switched places using polyjuice potion.
This would mean that snape actually died and dumbledore got away under snapes assumed identity.
I mean it's got flaws, because what was with that whole lecture about the half blood prince and the book and such?
But i guess snape could end up good. he's still a jerk either way.

But we'll find out won't we!
the next book comes out the 21st of this month!!
I'm so excited!

I'm going to the book release party on the night of the 20th, where you can buy the book at midnight =)
I'm freakin' pumped.
that's the only reason I have Harry on the brain really, is because of the approaching book release party.
on one hand I want the book to come out so i can read what happens of course, but on the other hand, once that book comes out it's over!!
no!!!
but yup, the end. either way, it's gonna be good.

I should go do some stretches and try and stay in somewhat decent shape.

Current Location:	Mi Cuarto
Current Mood:	awake
Current Music:	Enchantment- Corrine Baily Rae

i wonder why people say they'll call you back, knowing good and well they wont. I guess it's common courtesy.
I wonder why mass. is changing it's driving age 9for getting your permit) when it's been the same way for like ever.
 I wonder if my dog has developed a cure for balding, since her bald spot is growing back.
I wonder where i'll be in 20 years.
actually, i wonder where i'll be in 6 years, yeah.
i wonder what a Garbage truck is doing outside my house at 4:29 a.m.??? odd.
I wonder what the founding fathers would say if they saw what was going on.
scratch that, I wonder what M.L.K. would say if he saw what was going on.
that Boondocks episode where he comes back to life was probably pretty accurate......
He ended up moving to Canada =)

enough wondering and babel though, time for sleep.
oh i wonder if that movie babel is any good too that looked good.

Current Location:	room
Current Mood:	tired
Current Music:	the birds outside- literaly. the birds. not some trendy band.